You know that old saying – the three things you should never talk about are politics, religion and money?
Well, I’m here to tell you, it’s misleading – at least about money – when it comes to relationships.
If you want your marriage to stand the test of time, you’ve got to get on the same financial page since the very start. Because money is one of the top reasons couples fight, and avoiding those hard money conversations is like ignoring a ticking time bomb in your relationship.
Hi, I’m Michael Cohen, a CPA, divorce, and financial mediator in Chicago’s Lake Forest and Vernon Hills nearby areas. I help divorcing couples divide their financial assets, debts, and property.
Various studies consistently show that money issues are a leading predictor of divorce. For example:
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According to a survey of 191 Certified Divorce Financial Analysts (CDFA) by Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts (IDFC), the three leading causes of divorce are basic incompatibility (43%), infidelity (28%), and money issues (22%). “The emotional connection of money with safety and security in many people makes financial disagreements more salient than other disagreements.” And “The incompatibility is usually caused by one or more of the other choices.”
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And even the healthiest relationships include arguments, but the topic of the argument could predict risk of divorce. “Arguments about money are by far the top predictor of divorce,” said Sonya Britt, assistant professor of family studies and human services and program director of personal financial planning at Kansas State University. “It’s not children, sex, in-laws or anything else. It’s money – for both men and women.”
But it doesn’t have to be that way!
What if I told you that, with the right approach, managing money together could actually make your bond stronger?
Yep, it’s true!
Managing your finances together can actually strengthen your bond immensely. Just look at how we financial mediators help divorcing couples divide up assets – there’s a real art to neutrally disentangling finances while reducing conflict.
What if you took the same approach of clarity and pragmatism from the start of your relationship?
Having shared financial goals, complete transparency, and structured conversations about money matters. It could practically divorce-proof your marriage!
Let me walk you through some key habits that can turn money from a root of conflict into an opportunity to invest in the future of your relationship.
Get on the Same Financial Wavelength
First thing’s first – you and your partner need to get financially transparent with each other. Have an open, judgment-free conversation about your financial backgrounds, attitudes towards money, debts, income, and spending habits – lay it all out there. Understanding where each other is coming from is important for getting aligned.
Then work together to set some shared financial goals and visions for the future. Where do you want to be in 5 or 10 years? Dream big, but be realistic. Homeownership, kids’ college funds, retirement – get specific. These mutual targets will keep you rowing the money boat in the same direction.
And make sure there’s always full transparency. Just like financial mediation requires both parties to disclose everything, you two need complete openness about incomes, expenses, debts, investments – even that separate checking account your partner doesn’t know about!
Such mutual understanding is about creating a foundation of trust that extends beyond money.
Money Talks – Communicating About Green
Regular money chats can actually be fun (promise!). Schedule a monthly “finance date” to review your budgets, track your goals, and adjust as needed. These check-ins keep you both accountable and give you a chance to celebrate your financial wins together!
When you do discuss money, keep it constructive and solution-focused. If tensions start rising, take a break and return to the conversation with cooler heads. Approach it like a negotiation, not an argument, and look for win-win compromises you both can live with happily.
You can even make a formal financial agreement laying out how you’ll handle major money decisions as a team, like we do in mediation. Having that written out can really help prevent conflicts down the road.
These days, there are tons of apps and digital tools that also make it easier to stay financially transparent and accountable to each other. You can share budgets, track spending, and set savings goals together – just one more way to stay united on the money front.
Budgeting and Saving as a Duo
Make a realistic spending plan together that accounts for both shared expenses and individual wants/needs. Reviewing and adjusting it regularly is key as your situation changes.
Paying off any debts should be a top priority on that budget. Nothing stresses out a relationship like looming debt obligations. Make a strategic plan to eliminate those debts efficiently as a team.
Prioritize Savings
Having an emergency fund with several months’ expenses can protect you from worst-case scenarios. Then save for long-term goals like retirement, kids’ college, dream house/vacation fun – investing in your future together.
Don’t be afraid to get professional financial guidance here too. A good financial planner can help ensure you’re maximizing your savings and investments in a way that aligns with your shared risk tolerance and values.
The NonFinancial Finances
At the end of the day, it’s a two-way investment of time, energy, emotional support, and much more.
Good financial habits reduce so much of life’s daily stresses and anxieties. When you and your partner are proactively in control of your finances instead of letting money control you, it allows you to be more present and connected with each other. Or, in worst case scenarios, it helps to save your marital assets during divorce.
Maintain a Team Mentality
Throughout all this, keep reinforcing the mentality that you’re a team working towards collective goals. Cheer each other on in career growth and financial wins – like paying off a debt or building up savings.
At the same time, respect each other’s financial autonomy and individual money personalities. You’re interdependent partners, not financial Siamese twins. Having some separate fun money accounts can be healthy if managed responsibly.
When curveballs like job losses or surprise expenses get thrown your way, face them head-on together. Have an emergency financial plan and be willing to adapt your arrangements temporarily if needed. The goal is to work through challenges as an unshakeable unit.
Money Won’t Tear Us Apart
Look, even the healthiest, most financially enlightened couples will have money disagreements sometimes. It’s just part of combining lives and dreams. The key is being equipped to navigate those conflicts maturely and productively.
If you ever reach a gridlock you can’t resolve yourselves, don’t be afraid to bring in a professional financial counselor or mediator. Having an objective third party can work wonders.
At the end of the day, how you manage money as partners is a reflection of the overall respect, communication, and compromise in your relationship. Prioritize these habits of financial teamwork and unity, and you’ll be investing in a bond that lasts practically forever.
Ready to Take Action?
Sit down together, talk about your financial goals, and set up that first finance date. It might just be the best investment you’ll make in your relationship.